People Pleasing Isn’t Kindness, It’s Survival (And It Comes at a Cost)

Dear reader,

This week, I decided to start with the most uncomfortable topics, the gruesome, awkward conversations we usually save for later. After all, what better way to build momentum than by facing the very things we’ve been trained to avoid?

As I researched and mapped out the topics I wanted to explore, I noticed something interesting.

The list of uncomfortable subjects was far longer than I’d anticipated.

And it wasn’t because these topics were especially complex or difficult to explain. It was because no matter how thoughtfully I approached them, someone, somewhere, would likely feel offended, challenged, or quietly exposed.

That realization led me straight to today’s topic: people pleasing.

People pleasing isn’t just about being “too nice.” It’s rooted in fear of judgment, fear of rejection, weak or non-existent boundaries, chronic self-sabotage, and the slow, quiet act of self-abandonment, trading your authenticity for everyone else’s comfort but your own.

And ironically, even writing about people pleasing can feel like an act of rebellion. Because choosing honesty over approval almost always makes someone uncomfortable.

"No", is a complete sentence. -Annie Lamott.

So, let’s talk about it.

How many times have you held yourself back from taking action on something you deeply wanted, simply because Jane threatened to cry?

How often have you stayed in spaces filled with constant, destructive criticism far longer than you needed to, because you didn’t want Paul, Octavia, or whoever else to feel “abandoned”?

Because you feared being labelled ungrateful, disloyal, or selfish for choosing yourself?

Growing up, I can’t count the number of times I paused projects I was excited to start because someone believed they wouldn’t succeed.

The number of times I shrunk myself because someone said, “She’s too much.” 

Or played dumb because being smart made me a “nerd,” and being a nerd apparently made me unlikable.

I bent myself into uncomfortable shapes so everyone around me could feel at ease. Yet despite all that effort, despite the constant approval seeking, there was always someone left displeased.

And most of the time, that someone was me.

Here’s the part we rarely pause to name: this isn’t a personality flaw.

It’s a pattern.

A learned survival strategy.

A people-pleasing behaviour that once kept you safe, accepted, or loved, but now quietly drains your energy, self-worth, and emotional wellbeing.

In more formal terms, people pleasing is characterized by an excessive need to make others happy, often at the expense of your own needs, boundaries, and mental health.

It shows up as fear of conflict, emotional burnout, chronic guilt, and the belief that your value lies in how useful or agreeable you are.

If you’ve noticed this tendency showing up repeatedly, or even pathologically at times, you’re not broken.

You’re conditioned.

You’re surviving in the only way you were taught how to.

And here’s the good news, for you and for me: patterns can be broken.

Will it be easy?

Of course not.

But once we understand why we tend to please people to an unhealthy degree, and begin unlearning the habit, it's totally worth it.

Why People Pleasing Develops

1.External validation dependency: when self-worth is outsourced and approval becomes currency

When your sense of value depends on external validation, pleasing others doesn’t feel optional, it feels necessary.

You say yes even when it costs you.

 You overextend even when you’re exhausted. You tolerate disrespect because being liked feels safer than being honest.

2.Fear of rejection and abandonment: when love felt conditional and connection had to be earned. This pattern often forms in childhood environments where affection was inconsistent, withdrawn, or tied to performance.

Over time, the nervous system learns a painful equation: if I stop giving, I’ll be left.

3.Conflict avoidance: when harmony was taught as safety, even at the cost of self-silencing

As Leila Hormozi puts it, avoiding difficult conversations creates conversational debt, and that debt always comes due, often at a higher emotional and personal cost.

Uncomfortable conversations signal that something important is at stake.

People pleasing may feel good in the short term, but it has measurable long-term consequences:

1.     Emotional exhaustion and burnout from suppressed needs and overcommitment

2.     Resentment and weakened boundaries, you begin to resent people you’re being “kind” to, not because they’re bad, but because you’re over giving

3.     Loss of your authentic self and strained relationships, where you feel unseen and unheard

Three Ways to Start Overcoming People Pleasing

This isn’t about becoming cold, selfish, or confrontational. It’s about choosing self-respect over self-erasure.

1. Learn to Appreciate Your Own Company

People pleasing thrives when being alone feels unbearable. Start rebuilding a relationship with yourself, spend intentional time alone without distraction. Journal. Walk. Sit with your thoughts. The more comfortable you become in your own presence, the less you’ll rely on others’ approval to feel whole. (Yes, this is your sign to go on a solo date)

Self-trust grows in solitude.

2. Build Clear, Non-Negotiable Boundaries

Boundaries are not punishments, they’re instructions.

Start small.

Say no without over-explaining.

Pause before committing.

Ask yourself, “Do I actually want to do this?”

Healthy boundaries reduce resentment, protect your energy, and clarify your relationships.

3. Develop Healthy Conflict Skills

Conflict is not failure, it’s feedback. Learn to express your needs calmly and directly without apology. Discomfort doesn’t mean danger. It means growth.

The more you practice honest communication, the less power guilt and fear will have over your decisions.

Don't confuse altruism and people pleasing, the latter comes at a hefty price.

Remember, you don't have to earn the right exist, choose yourself or rest. You're allowed to take up space unapologetically and live without constantly needing to regulate the emotions of everyone you meet.

Love,

Me <3

P.S.: It Gets Better, always.