Love talks in five accents

Love doesn't erase the past. However, it makes the future different

Dear reader,

I think it would be impractical to sit and pretend that the world shouldn’t be full of love. Love is the most important thing in the world. Gary Chapman knew this for sure which is why he introduced the concept of the five love languages. He understood the importance of love and the importance of learning how to give love and learn how to receive it.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.

Love is a universal language that transcends time and culture. It is a force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. However, living in a world where drama especially in relationships is a point of fame, one can get really carried away overanalysing a relationship and trying to mend what’s not torn. The concept of love languages shows couples to give each other love in ways that it will be best received. Relationships don’t have to be messy or complicated and neither do friendships. Knowing the love language that speaks to you and your partner/friend best is a great place to start when working towards a healthy and lasting relationship.

1. PHYSICAL TOUCH

I will start with one of my absolute favourite languages of love because there’s no better way to set the tone for a good read! Physical touch is as simple as it comes. It emphasizes expressing love through physical gestures. Hugging, holding hands and cuddling are just but a few of the ways you could use physical touch to express love for your partner. It signifies comfort and closeness and emotional connection.  If you feel the most loved and happy when your partner puts their arms around you in a warm hug or a simple back rub eases you and makes you feel at home then Physical touch might be your primary love language.

Physical touch however is not limited to sexual touch. Non-sexual gestures like a gentle comforting hug or just simply holding hands while walking in the streets at noon are equally important in the relationship.

If your partner’s primary language is physical touch, it is important to know that if you avoid being physically affectionate with them, it can be extremely hurtful and might cause a strain in your relationship. They might feel neglected and unwanted.  The closer and more frequently you engage in physical touch the more secure, loved and emotionally connected they feel towards you. A fun fact is that, physical touch, especially cuddling, releases oxytocin -a feel-good hormone- that makes you feel like nothing can hurt you. In addition to bonding, it helps boost your immune system. Imagine that! (Dear future husband, take note)

2. QUALITY TIME

This emphasizes the importance of giving someone your undivided attention and engaging in shared activities or conversations. It’s all about being present and making meaningful connections. In my very biased opinion, it is the most overlooked love language.

If you feel the most loved when you and your partner have a good time just basking in each other’s company doing things you both enjoy or just yapping about all things random then this is definitely your primary love language! The best part about quality time is that you don’t need tangible evidence to show your love. If your partner is a quality time kind of person (dear future husband I hope you read this), then they value every single second you spend in each other’s company.  Unfortunately, being in close proximity with your partner does not always constitute quality time no matter how long you sit there. A lack of connectedness can make your partner who values quality time feel empty and alone.

If you know you and your partner value quality time then put down the cell phone, turn off the computer or whatever and focus on them. Make eye contact to let your partner know that they have your full attention. Use active listening skills … ask thoughtful questions, affirm what they’re saying, show empathy. Have a mutual understanding of each other’s present emotions.

Remember, it isn’t quantity time we’re going for, it’s QUALITY time.

3. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Words of affirmation are a broad spectrum ranging from joyful recognition to simple gratitude and even personalized affection! You can admire your partner’s intelligence out loud or verbally express your value for their presence. Acknowledge your dependence on them sometimes or just tell them that THEY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER. 

Words of affirmation encompasses saying supportive things about your partner. If your partner tells you, ‘’you look beautiful in white’’ or they say stuff like ‘’ I trust you’’ or ‘’ the way you talk is inspiring’’ or even jumping into the scandalous (wink) complements like ‘’you move so sensually and it does things to me’’ … and their words make your heart beat in a different frequency then words of affirmation is probably your primary love language.

Words of affirmation strengthen communication in a relationship. When your partner, through your words knows that you notice and appreciate them they’re likely to experience a deeper satisfaction with themselves and the relationship. Receiving words of affirmation can help your partner feel a greater sense of self worth and motivation and nothing feels better than a relationship where everyone is comfortable in their own skin and mind. So go ahead and shower your partner with beautiful words!

Tip: if your primary love language is words of affirmation, respond to compliments with gratitude and let your partner know that you enjoy it when they affirm you. And to you who is offering the affirmations, be authentic, appreciative and say ‘’I love you’’ a lot. This is also where you use cute post its or love letters.

4. ACTS OF SERVICE

Acts of service has got to be the most fascinating love language listed.  It’s the perfect description of a phrase dear to hopeless romantics like me – it’s the little things that matter. It involves doing the things for your partner that you know they would appreciate. For people that resonate with the language then actions speak louder than words.

Acts of service range from cooking your partner’s favourite meal to helping them with their work and even simply taking care of household chores because you know that it would make their life much easier.

If your heart swells at the thought of coming home to a warm home cooked meal and a foot rub after dinner then it comes without much debate that acts of service is your primary love language. You feel the most loved when your partner takes one more thing off your plate.

If you realize that your partner’s love language is acts of service then you have to know that the actions have got to be heartfelt and intentional. You can lessen your partner’s load, ask them what they need done or even plan a surprise for them. It’s all about the actions, the little things.

5. GIFT GIVING

I will dive right into this one with a caution to all – gift giving is not about fixating in a pile of presents or a hefty receipt. It’s about giving your partner a thoughtful gift showing them how well you know them.  If that winds up in a pile of presents and a hefty receipt then huzzah!

Gift giving and receiving in love isn’t extravagance, it’s sentiment.

If a week after you and your partner have a conversation about the Harry Potter series, they go ahead and get you all the books in the series to add to your library then they probably primarily show their love by giving gifts.

If you on the other hand can’t stop staring at the cute white teddy bear on your bedside table and thinking about how thoughtful your partner was for getting it for you, then receiving gifts is your primary love language. Small trinkets and gifts from your partner remind you that they were thinking about you and they love you.

If you want to know if your partner enjoys receiving gifts as much as you enjoy giving them then gauge their reaction to the gift. If they’re enthusiastic, excited, wear or display the item and probably even can’t stop talking to their friends about it then you’re both definitely speaking the same language. 

Approaching relationships, not limited to romantic ones, from the love language perspective is extremely productive. By learning to speak each other’s love language, everyone in the relationship feels seen, understood and loved. Despite most people using one or two languages dominantly, everyone technically speaks all the languages to some degree. In your relationships, it is important to incorporate all the languages but prioritize your partner’s primary language for greater relationship satisfaction. It is important to communicate and be open about your love languages especially if you and your partner use different love languages. Remember, even love can get lost in translation. It’s also important to note that love isn’t what you do, it’s what the other person feels; and often, the way we try to give love isn’t the way our partner knows to receive it. The love languages come in as a mirror, showing us the invisible disconnect between effort and emotion.

When you and your partner’s love languages don’t align, don’t try to change your language, just learn theirs. Don’t fight to give what you understand rather give what they can feel. When you both communicate, and try to speak each other’s languages, the most magnificent thing in love happens, you both don’t just feel loved, you feel chosen. Knowing how your partner receives love can become a lifeline for them and not just a tool.

With love,

Me <3

P.S.: It always gets better and love, the real kind, always wins.