Is it a Flame or a Flare up?

Dear reader,

I’m sure at one point or another in any relationship or all relationships you’ve been through you’ve had a moment where you’ve thoroughly questioned your judgement. You’ve doubted your ability to tell a good person from a bad person because everything just feels like it’s falling apart and it’s your fault. At one point of my beautiful life, I dated someone and I was so infatuated, so in love that I nullified every single red flag in the relationship. If anything, now that I think about it, I was drawn to the red flags because I mistook them for a flame. I was not just a moth being drawn to a flame, I was a blind moth being drawn to an inferno. However, we live we learn. Not every intense connection is meant to last and now every warning sign means doom. The magic lies in telling the difference. Are you being warned or warmed?

Red flags vs flame: is it love or just a wildfire?

The term red flag is used to indicate a warning sign of undesirable behaviour or potential trouble and pain. Flame, quite contrary to the red flag, refers to a strong and passionate connection between two people. Red flag is more about potential issues and caution while flame is more about desire and passion. Albeit the flame being meant to inspire you to be your most authentic self and open your heart to unconditional love, there’re moments when the intense energy will make it hard to know the difference between warning lights and passion. For me, it took heartbreak and reconstruction to realize the three major differences between red flags and flames but I’m grateful because now it’ll be a whole lot easier for you to identify and differentiate.

 1. Confidence vs. co-dependency.

Are you feeling more confident in your relationship with time despite the highs and the lows or is your relationship just an emotional crutch?

I didn’t realize that my relationship was just an emotional crutch until we’d had so many lows and all I felt the entire period was sadness and confusion. My self esteem rose and fell in accordance with my partner’s moods and behaviour. On the days when we we’re good, I felt enough and alive and loved. There was so much dopamine and oxytocin on the good days, that when we didn’t talk for a day or a couple of hours, I’d feel empty and I’d wonder what was wrong with me or whether they didn’t like me anymore.

The truth that I was, and have always been enough wasn’t awakened and I felt the need to be around them to feel worthy. Was this a me problem on most of the part? Yes, it absolutely was. I hadn’t learnt to love myself beyond my partner’s definition of me. At this point, you’re probably wondering, ‘’How was it a red flag if you were the root?’’. The thing that a of people have misconceived is that the red flag isn’t in the person. It’s in the relationship.

Feeling so defined by how your counterpart perceives you in a relationship is a red flag that you should most definitely not ignore.

2. Sharing vs shutting down

Miscommunications are bound to happen in almost every relationship and sometimes they happen during the most unexpected and silly conversations and that’s ok. When the miscommunications happen, you and your partner should grow, improve your communications skills and learn to express yourself better and in a healthier way.

In the case that miscommunications lead to your partner shutting down emotionally and/or yelling at each other or even belittling each other then it’s a red flag. 

I love debates, stimulating conversations and controversial topics and I’ve always been drawn to people I can have a good intense debate with just because. With the particular partner in question, there were days when during some heated parliamentary debates (you’d have thought our opinions were helping build a better government) the impasses would lead to emotional withdrawal and instant energy shifts. Perhaps recoiling emotionally was my partner’s protective mechanism, and I understand how scary emotional vulnerability can be but I always felt hurt when these shifts happened. It necessitated walking on eggshells with them which wasn’t very comfortable.

Shutting down led to more misunderstandings and emotional barriers.

If small misunderstandings trivial miscommunications lead not to growth but to suffocation and explosive damage then it’s time you start considering the fact that it may be a red flag. Don’t stay in a space where you keep brewing storms in a tea cup and any efforts to try make things better are met with anger or coldness.

3. Transmuting vs Tormenting.

Transmuting- altering something into a different thing especially to a higher form (positive degree)

Trust issues can arise in any relationship even between confident and self-secure individuals. What defines whether it’s a flame or a red flag is how you both either rise above it and emerge stronger or succumb to it and allow it to ruin what was once beautiful.

In a flame relationship they should be inspiration for you and your partner to retrace your trauma and fear, healing the wound at its source.

However, the red flag relationship will thrive on the blame game not just allowing more cracks on the bond but seeking them with such intent that you actually form them.

Transmuting transforms the emotional pain brought by the momentary lack of trust to growth, wisdom and a deeper connection.  It brings healing, intimacy and resilience.

Tormenting through trust issues involves jealousy, control, emotional withdrawal and might even extend to physical violence.

My then partner and I didn’t understand that pain that isn’t transformed will be transmitted. There was gaslighting involved, emotional distancing, constant suspicion… the most painful part was that it didn’t come from one direction. It was a two-way problem. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for a long time and I felt the constant need to apologize for things I didn’t do. At this point, the relationship became a clear red flag. There was no more second guessing or questioning my conscience.

We focused on tormenting instead of transmuting and that completely extinguished the flame.

If you’re still unsure about whether it’s a red flag or a flame, then start by inviting reflection and communication. Talk about the moments that leave you confused and ask your partner if they feel the same way in those instances that are hard for you. Instead of jumping into reacting with pain, find out if you’re both willing to grow and rise above the difficulty. Know if you can use the moment to heal and not to harm- emotional alchemy. However, if your partner resists responsibility for their actions then that’s a red flag. If they seem to be belittling your emotions, that’s a red flag. If they aren’t willing to at least try and meet you half-way then that’s a red flag! In these instances, choose to protect your peace above everything else. Growth should be mutual and you shouldn’t be the one doing all the emotional labour.

A moth doesn't chase distraction, it chases beauty. So did I. but the flame was never the problem, it was my blindness to the burn.

Everyone deserves a relationship where conflict leads to wisdom. That’s the flame, that’s what keeps it alive and warm. You need to be in a space where trust issues inspire healing not pain and ripping each other apart. Healing doesn’t mean that the damage never existed, it means that the damage no longer controls our lives. That’s how you’ll know the difference between a flame and a red flag.

With love,

Me <3

P.S.:  It always gets better and love, the real kind, always wins.