Loving you? Loving me...

Dear reader,

I think it’s time that we break the misconception and idea that friendships and relationships are all about sacrifice, compromise and selfishness. In my opinion, the best relationships are those where both or all of the parties involved are a bit selfish and we don’t have one person overly compromising. Let’s be honest with ourselves here for a moment, the reason why marriage for most people is scary is because of the thought of forever commitment. The thought of setting aside our personal ambitions and some of our wants for the comfort of our partner and ultimately an easier relationship is a bit daunting. Being human and being individual creatures means that the more we compromise and put ourselves aside in the name of love the unhappier we eventually become. Whether you want to hear it or not, sometimes you just have to be selfish, to think of yourself as an individual outside the relationship and love you a lot more. Self-love isn’t vanity, it’s sanity and if you aren’t convinced of this just yet and are still hoping that by conforming to your partner’s/ friend’s every will you’re going to keep a happy and healthy relationship then this article is most definitely for you.

self-love isn't vanity, it's sanity

 SELF LOVE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Self-love is essential for any relationship. Whether a casual situationship or a marriage and even, if not especially a friendship. People treat you the way they see you treat yourself.  With this in mind, I think it’s time you stop putting everyone else before you all day, everyday and show yourself more care.

IMPORTANCE OF SELF LOVE IN A RELATIONSHIP

1. It sets the standard for how you’re treated in the relationship

When you love and respect yourself, you naturally set boundaries and expect the same from others. Your partner will tend to mirror how you treat yourself. If you’re constantly in the backseat of your own life then why should they prioritize you in theirs? If your own dreams don’t matter to you then why should they matter to them?  If you love you enough to take care of you and respect your time then your partner will have to respect you in the same way or leave. If they happen to leave then be glad and don’t change a single thing about how you love yourself (unless you’re loving you a notch more) because you dodged a bullet.

2. It builds emotional resilience

This is an entire interesting topic of conversation because it’s only taken about 5 failed relationships for me to realize that complete emotional dependence on your partner will do nothing more than drain you. Be your own source of happiness first before you seek to share in someone else’s joy. Self-love helps you stay grounded during conflict and instead of reacting from a point of insecurity or fear, you respond with clarity and composure. If your partner/ friend was right for you then this will lead to better communication, trust and foster more respect. If they were hoping to use your emotions to get a kick out of you then pop a champagne later because you will have dodged another bullet!

3. It eliminates co-dependency.

A relationship is not a dependency, it’s a partnership. There’re a lot of ties that bind people in this trap called co-dependency and if we’re not careful we won’t just be trapped, we’ll sink. When you rely on your partner to validate your worth then it’s no longer a relationship. It’s a crutch! If you’re reading this and you feel a little sting in your insides or a whisper that’s asking you whether you’re in a relationship or in a crutch, then you probably need to love you a bit more. Self-love allows you to maintain your individuality while still supporting each other. This creates a partnership.

4. It deepens connection and improves communication

Believe me when I say that when you know your needs, values and emotions, you can express them clearly. The problem with most relationships is that the involved individuals expect their counterpart to know down to the detail exactly how their feeling. However, you need to let them know. Otherwise, don’t feel disappointed when your partner is clueless. In order for you to know how to best express yourself to the people you love, you need o spend time with yourself. Let your mantra be ‘’me before us’’ for a while as you build a deeper understanding of yourself. This will lead to deeper conversations, more authentic intimacy and a stronger bond. I promise it works wonders.

5. It attracts healthier relationships

When you love yourself and you value who you are entirely, you’ll always attract partners who will value your partners. It’ll mostly be because you’ll intimidate any mediocre people but also when you start being honest, loyal and kid to yourself then you automatically begin to attract people in your life that offer you nothing but true love and great respect. I won’t argue against the fact that sometimes the way people treat you is a statement about who they are as a human being and not necessarily about you but it’s important to make sure that you filter out the negative people by being your own best friend. When you love yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate mistreatment or settle for less than you deserve.

With all this said and with a lot more saved for later, you need to stop letting anyone shrink you in the name of love or humility. True love, real friendships, they’re uplifting to everyone involved.  If you fear that focusing on your own needs may leas you to neglect the needs of the ones you love then start resting assured that healthy self-love serves as a pillar on which strong relationships are built. It’s like a ripple, and it starts with you.

With love,

Me <3

P.S.: It always gets better and love, the real kind, always wins.